“I’m so close to letting go when I want so dearly to hold on. So close to failing at something… the people around me make it look so easy, even effortless.
To show that face again… you probably think it is frustration at my body not doing what I wish it could. But in reality, it’s my frustration that I had kids earlier than I thought I ever would, and I’m doing my damndest to be the parent they deserve, but sometimes I feel like I fail miserably.
It’s the fear that I’ll be in the out-group. That I waited too long to start doing this, and I’m sooo far behind that… I’ll never get to a point where I feel like I belong with the rest of you.
It’s that I’m exhausted – not just physically, but in spirit. Because I’m using the last of my energy to invest something in myself, but there isn’t much left in the tank, because I’ve had such a hard time forgiving, and an even harder time forgetting.
It’s that I’m a stranger in a strange place. The coach who showed me basics was great, but now I’m in a room full of people who know what’s going on, and I don’t even know if that’s your dumbbell or mine, or can we share, or GOODNESS, is it supposed to be that heavy? Am I doing any of this right or just making a fool of myself?
It’s anger for letting myself get to this point. Where I beat myself up for so long that I googled this place my “fit friends” spoke so highly about, and since I knew that no-one else could make me feel any smaller than I could, I joined, but now that I’m here, I don’t know anyone, and it’s way more intimidating than I thought.
It’s that all my hope and every Instagram quote points to “You can! You can!” when right now all I can think is, “I can’t! I can’t!” And it’s partly me feeling stupid for thinking so much, and why is all of this hitting me when I just want to push a damn bar over my head and it’s NOT MOVING.”
-The person in the squat rack next to you, you’ve been wondering if you should cheer on.